Back to third world country: Day 8

I wanna write

It might not make sense

But i am gonna write

Day 8….fuck

Been 8 days i returned to this hell of a third world country. Literally arrived to a shit home filled with mosquitos n smell of death.

My controller was living here with the dog for the sake of the dog…and i saw only filth all around. Wait…it looked like my mothers house while i was growing up and cleaning every chance i got. Abject despair….

Wow…i married someone who is exactly like my mom!! Fuck me somebody. Coz he really conned me!!

Why did i come back?

Because my child would not stop crying there in a first world country. She missed her friends in the third world country. So i changed tickets and brought us back.

The entire trip was very challenging and i have lost track of time or places or things that have happened…

I spent 6 days in bed with excruciating body pain, and a mind that couldnt be found

I cried and chanted

I spoke to the hindu god in foreign language and wondered if he understood

Mostly i was asking for death. Like real death to come and get me.

I challenged the universe 2 days ago….and swore on my dads grave…

Let death take me

Because if left alive…i will burn this world down and every motherfkr who ever hurt me

if i am left alive, i will not rest…..Till i burn down the evil that possesses my spirit and everyday my body receives 20 lashes because i want to exist

I started blogging for BPD….

Fuck…i remember now

What happened?

I discovered abuse.

Can i go back to being bpd and taking the blame for everything? Life was simpler

Now i know too much

And i cant unknow it

What i know… can start wildfires and has the power to burn evil…

Shhh….dont tell a soul

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