For as long as I can remember I have had dental issues. Going for braces, to a nearby town, riding in the car with my mom, and uncle S and his doll like daughter….she committed suicide I heard, when she was only 27….why I have wondered. But I remember her kindness and smile and a beautiful quietness she had.
So I went to dentist willingly, all by myself, yesterday. I had to get the 3 root canals and I decided to do it. Get a bridge, so I can smile with my mouth open. I am ashamed of my broken teeth, I look like a voodoo woman.
So, I arrive at the doctors before time and am pacing the street outside, smoking my smoke. But he arrives with a emergency case so I had one hour of waiting time…I almost left the clinic. It was seeing a patient in the chair and getting drilled that caused me physical pain…and I just wanted to run.
My turn came and I told the doctor…”you look really tired, maybe we should postpone”
And he was like….
” no, today is the day, we do it. We have waited a long time and the teeth are fractured and chipping from all the grinding in the night. (teeth grinding)
Just do it babe. you will have a beautiful smile when you get out of the prison. You wanna be ready, right? My inner voice said.
We began with 2 painkiller injections….had to pause many times because I couldnot handle the pain and he would give me one more shot to numb.
I watched myself freak out, I chanted 4 times, I thought of all the ways that I could die. I even wished I was dead. What’s wrong with you…you tolerate pain everyday, what’s wrong with you…why cant you just die”. I mocked myself. Haha
Then I remembered some of my dental experiences as a kid. Which made me pause and rewind and I am asking some new questions now.
For example, why did my mother always accuse my father of cheating, looking at other women and flirting with them etc etc.
But I don’t ever recall my kind and thorough gentleman of a father behaving in the manner accused. She was telling a lie to me and everybody, she still maintains it…50 fkg years she filled my head with lies.
Whereas….she travelled with her male colleagues at work all the time. And she was never questioned or made fun of. Why?
It was considered a equal opportunity usual thing to do, since she was educated and a professor. My father never questioned or degraded her or picked on her.
But, every time my father stepped out or a student came for a meeting, my mother would viciously attack him of cheating on her. The poor man did all chores, went to work, ironed her clothes, gave up his brilliant future at Harvard….he is cheating? When does he have time? Ughhh…
I am asking a lot of questions in my head…
When I was in a lot of pain, in the dental chair, after 11 pain injections ….I whispered very faintly…
“I want my mommy”
And in that moment I knew I just knew that I never had a mommy. I had a daddy, who was my mommy and he is dead now.
My mother took from me, stole from a child her childhood. I was a girl and she wrote my destiny….50 years of sham!
So I cry silently…
And I swear on my father’s grave to tell my story
Nothing will stop me
Do you know what so much pain does to me?
It makes lotsa tears and I leave the world everytime. I die.
And then I emerge again through the fog to the other side. I emerge with more information and more power and a will to live or die. Not just survive!
I remember, at about 10 years of age, I would not brush my teeth everyday. I dreaded it and never ever told anybody till now.