Please identify your fellow companions in your journey through life…who are the closest to you, part of you.
Who is your most trusted person?
Yes. You heard me right. It’s important to assess these close relations. Examine them…flip em turn them inside out, find those examples when you felt like someone just slapped you and you have frozen from disbelief.
Who tells you they love you all the time, but why do you cry o little one….if you are loved. ..why do you hide little me…
So….I heard back from my mother again and she professed her undying love and care for me and my daughters.
So I asked her….how do you love me? How do you care?
She hasn’t replied.
If it isnt love (whatever that means)….then ask…is it kindness?
I like to keep my questions very simple. And since I started asking the right questions…I have a barrage of answers hitting me every single minute!
I have found all my answers.
They lay in my most trusted abusers, who kept me running from pillar to post….until I became so crazy and so dead.
Did they know that I am a mother of 2 girls? Yes
If I died who would love my girls, I asked. Not a single mothrfkg hand I saw.
Does that mean they dont care about my girls?
But they say they love us, them?
Give me an example of care or love……I asked my abusers.
No answers came!!
There is silence in my heart. Everything I believed and lived by and trusted has gone with the wind. Poof…just like that.
Why dont I believe it?
Because you are not built like them, you dum dum. All your life you thought everyone was like you. You trusted and you wore your heart on your sleeve. They are not like you. They are just some bad people who have hurt you.
Who is kind to you?
Who makes you smile?
Do you have a shoulder to cry?
3 categories :
the Victim/survivor/fighter…are you??
the predators: if you are able to identify one predator, you will start finding more. Trust me. They hunt in packs and take turns.
The Rescuer….your universe that heals you.
Example… the trees you hug, the team of doctors, the brand of cigarettes that Keeps you company everyday…..and imaginary Utopia. I wrote the following note (list) yesterday July 12th, 2018.
I am still in shock after identifying the predators in my life. How can my saviour and family be the predator? Predator means who eats you up… Nobody has eaten me. I am still alive.
I dont have any voice left…only tears and prayers and an iron will that is so fkg crazy.
I just want to stop everything around me. Just stop this game…I am the game…being played with…ignored. my 2 girls…children abused. Why? Because we are born a girl n must be kept chained to the wall….till the wall comes down on you!
We are human beings and deserve some dignity. Aren’t we family? I have a marriage certificate.
My daughters are waiting for their momma to be a mother… for the last so many years. They have taken abuse along with me. I just couldn’t see the abuse or the abuser. I didnt know it was abuse. I dint know it was not love or kindness.
I asked my doctors in charge of my mental health and NoBody acknowledged my belief that I felt “something was wrong”.
I only saw family…my family. My daughters cousins and friends. The husband who I didnt know…he would sweep in and wipe all mental sanity EVERYDAY for 22 years.
It is one thing when you dont want to help someone. Like me, I would struggle and juggle my day to be a businesswoman and a mother. And if I asked for a specific help, i would never get it. And I became a superwoman.
But for the abusers to take extra measures to mess with my head and financially ruin me…took a lot of planning. For him to make sure that I paid everyday for my existence. Everybody got a salary and bonus, but I did not get anything.
This inhumane-ness is what has got my knickers in a bunch!
My daughters have cried numerous tears…I am surprised that we are alive!
It hit me…what about my smiles? I will have to fight for me.
I find myself going wary because I cannot fight just for the kids…I have to fight for me too. My identity got lost, whatever it was.
Today, I am forged in fire and much stronger than before. The abusers are not aware of this phenomenon…when Honor and steel meet….what emerges is a force to be reckoned with…I Know