My heart is heavy since yesterday. This very personal conversation I am sharing with you because it triggered a series of memories. Most are foggy, but a few just hit me hard…..I cant believe what I see!!
But I trusted her
She is my mother
I love her
No matter what I have been there for the whole family.
Why would she not give importance to my feelings?
I have told her explicitly and she has seen me…in pain, hanging by a thread, asking her to help me please…talk to my abusers and tell them to stop hurting me.
I didnt want her to cook for me. I dont eat. But that’s what she would say every fucking time…did you eat, why didnt you eat, what you should eat, what you eat is wrong, and why I never listen to her when she tries to help me. Help me how?
She ain’t even listening. I remember as a child, wondering if she understood English if she understood what I was saying, because she would never give a direct reply and I used to stand there and wonder what’s wrong with her?
Yes, I always questioned everything she wanted me to do….and that’s when the name calling started. She used to tell me to get out of the house…..that was my trigger and she used it frequently to rile me up. Damn….I see other triggers she used to manipulate me….using my Dad as a pawn or vice versa.
My only wish as I write this is to save one person like me. I was blind for 5 decades, lost a lotta time and I dont want anyone else to live in such blind faith.
My mom wrote to me yesterday, after I went no contact 5 months ago with her and my brother. And I responded because I felt strong enough to take her on!!
Maa ka pyar ya paisa? (Mothers love or money?
You gave all property to brother, Why? According to law you have to divide it equally or get a waiver signed by the daughter. So,
You tell me….Son or daughter??
Dear child, from our side we have been fair to both of you. Because of these small things dont waste your God given golden life. Conventionally the whole property has been given to sons only. Still you are not happy. Please take care of your health. (She knows about my mental health ) Dont crib on small things n spoil your only relations.
(I was agast…throwing me crumbs and giving the brother the whole kingdom)
Brother and you… took a decision right after daddy died, 6 yrs ago, and did it quietly, keeping it hidden. I would have given everything to Brother coz I loved him so much.
And loved you and trusted you to care for me n love me.
But both of you betrayed my trust, did not care for me and my daughters.Why?
Daddy died and you both took everything? I dont get anything?
All this has been done by daddy’s advice only. You always misunderstood me. I have been caring only for you otherwise your father’s marriage scene would have been entirely different. Baby i m going for bath, then to eat my lunch. Till I m alive, you and yours daughters will get the best care n love. Please come to visit after kids exam. I missing both of you. loveu
Daddy said to give everything to my brother? Nothing for me?
He loved me
Explain care and love?
Only words? How do you show you care?
She didnt respond. Went quiet.
But she will be back and I am gonna be ready. I am not afraid. I wish I understood what my dad tried to tell me…I wish my dad was alive…