Why am I alive?

Yesterday…I came very close to hurling myself out of the moving car (driver driven)….ofcourse my younger kid was In the car and crying….I could not handle her emotions in a closed space….inside the car. I felt dizzy and breathless…finished!

Why was she crying?

She was crying because she doesn’t want to change schools. Long story.

I had thought I would surprise her. So I got out of my space and rode along with the driver to pick her up from school. She is always thrilled and all her 10 friend come rushing and giving me hugs…auntie auntie auntie….so much love n hugs I get. I love going to the school. Still do. If I can get myself to go down the stairs and sit in the car.

Anyways….it was a shitty day, with me in some other zone…like walking dead. Made me notice my urges and the pain and the short time if took for me to become so desolate…like something crushed my soul.

Made me ask myself…

Why am I alive? No answer

What stops me from just committing the act and end my misery? I dunno…

So….I started to think what is it that I worry about everyday?

Kids

Business

How to free me…

What will cook for lunch n dinner? It’s hard coz I dont taste food, I know what it should taste like…but rarely do I taste it. Been like this for a few years. So cooking had become impossible . Recently I am trying to cook…a few minutes in the kitchen. I force myself to eat lunch. I feel hungry for dinner these days…its a brilliant shift.

What errands will the driver run?

I dont get out. Grocery store, meds errands, is done by the driver. Welcome to the Third world country expat lifestyle…hehe

Did I do 17kms everyday? Yes, because I can write then.

What can I do to get through another day? Isnt there a toysrus for mentally gifted people like me?

What can I do to kill another day in captivity? There is no way out …as far as I can see. The walls were created over years and I will have to cut my feet and develop wings…to fly over and away. But i will lose my ground, my anchor, my child.

Hoping for a miracle…

Sincerely

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3 thoughts on “Why am I alive?

  1. Never forget: you are a miracle. You’re still here. You made it another day. You faced that option and you chose again to say “Not today.” It may not feel like it, but that’s a miracle. It’s a start. And eventually you’ll have it in you to decide where you’d like that miracle to go. What you’d like to do with it. It doesn’t have to be figured out right away. You’ll start testing those waters when you’re ready to.

    You did good. I know it’s not easy to keep slogging along when those thoughts come up. But you did. You did good.

    Liked by 1 person

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