Whispers from a third world country…

(Trigger warning)

My daughter came to me yesterday and said…mumma…My boyfriend’s father beat him for being friends with him….can you please adopt him? He got beat for merely chatting with her on phone….he gets beat since he was 8 yrs old

(I am keeping this under wraps…so no more details)

I held her tight, while She cried her heart out…I felt her body shake…I felt her pain and I searched frantically for data…in my head…

What should I do?

How did I feel if i was in her shoes?

Where was I at 15 yrs of age? What I felt at her age?

At first I drew a blank…no memories…I dug deeper…still nothing

But then I remembered my first puppy love at the age of 16…and how intensely I felt… and it came back…the utter Lack of understanding from my mother and everyday interrogation and ridicule. She didn’t get that i had found a real friend who made me feel loved and treated me kindly. But I was wrong…I always do the wrong things….but then I make up for my mistakes by trying to please her.

I rmemeber…this memory is embedded in my soul…

There were no telephones or computers…so me and my friend who way a boy…used to write letters or record messages on cassettes..hehe

One time my mother found out that i had written a letter to him…and she wanted to read it see it. I lied to her and said I had thrown it in the garbage…and I was sorry..I won’t write again.

But she wouldn’t listen. She had trained me never to lie to her…(while she lied all the time everytime…I know today).

She said…let’s check the waste baskets. I said…no I threw the garbage in the big garbage pit down the road. She grabbed a flash light…it was dark in night …and told me..let’s walk over thete and see. I was very scared and also sure that we won’t find anything…she will see there is nothing and I will get slapped and yelled at but that will be it.

But no….when we reached the bin…which was a cement walled pit…and garbage pickup every morning. She shone the light and I wiggled a stick around in the garbage deapite the awful smell that was making me sicker along with the fear.

I can’t find it mumma…I said to her dizzyingly…I am sorry…

She then looked at me and said…climb inside and look with your hands..I will shine the flash light. It was too late to say that i had not put the letter in garbage that i had lied…

So I climbed in…

I remember tears streaming d4om my face and I felt so dirty so violated so scared.

But i didn’t think much of it . I forgot. I thought I deserved the punishment for writing letters to a boy. And that was that.

Today…I remember

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