Feeling Tired: a symptom of borderline personality disorder I remember going to the mall and wanting to run out of there…cause i am not used to it…Draining me of my energy and getting skittish! When i Find a person to HELP me get a job done….eg. a salesgirl ..when i Need their help…need someone to help…because I am stretched beyong breaking point etc…But something happens….and i loose the person very quickly…and curse the universe for taking my sanity and making life so difficult. And i would howl at the Sky.. . What if universe was protecting my interests, what if they would have hurt me…because I don’t make the best choices in people…often getting hurt. Maybe…the universe is protecting me! My therapist says…..as a person with bpd or depression or mental illness…people get tired very quickly….because our brain can’t stop asking questions…add to it any physical activity or throw in a mosquito bite…and it becomes a recipe to flee or growl at something!
So I must conserve my energy..what little I have…and use it for my own self… I am trying to tell you that you are bound to feel tired…and drag your feet to do what you Must do…its one of the symptoms!! So…if you are feeling tired…your body is telling you to slow down…sit down and let the universe heal you. Slowing down has helped me immensely…i can watch myself…i am not in a hurry..so I don’t worry…which makes me smile…because I beat one of the BPD symptoms by slowing down….i know the trick. You cant begin to imagine how many things a single parent of 2 teen girls….who runs own small shop, must juggle all day…i have no idea how I did it…and continue to sustain myself…despite wishing to die or run away.
I am no longer in a hurry to live life before I die. I dont make lists anymore. I have managed to FIND time to brush my teeth…twice last week !! Combing my hair is a challenge still…. Hope this helps someone out there…i wish to the Universe.
The universe is watching over me wish I had used a computer and researched more about BPD, when I was first diagnosed in my mid 40’s. But I didnt research… I stopped reading or watching tv or going to movies…10 years ago. I left my entire treatment in the hands of my saviour and a team of experienced doctors and therapist. over 6 years they all gutted me of any life I had left in me.
I stopped tasting food…i stop craving food…i can’t remember how and when this happened to me. Last year when i lost my business…got mob attacked at my store…i went quite crazy…i started walking barefoot…because i was sure the earth will heal me. I started taking cold water showers…been 13 months now. I refused to comb my hair because my head hurt even if one hair got pulled…i stopped getting out of my room…i stopped cooking for my daughters 5 years ago. Its like…my whole ducking life is done with and now you tell me. But for me it was an extension of the depression that i had been diagnosed at the age of 25, when I arrived in a third world country to study. So i read up a little on BPD and of course blamed myself for being sick. I started taking the meds my doctor prescribed. I also started therapy sessions twice a week. And I went back to being what i needed to be…a mom and a working woman. In 2016…I lost myself completely.
In 2017 I started to recognize a couple of symptoms. And went into bad depression. In June 2017 I started rtms for depression and 6 months of complete chaos followed. My brain started waking up…i started to feel hungry and forced myself to start going back to work coz I needed to make a living. I still cannot acknowledge that I have this terminal illness. But reading all you beautiful people makes me feel i belong…that I have arrived home. I finally have the support I needed…to see me through this very trying time.
What baffles me is that every mentally sick person is working hard at lessening the pain of others…selflessly. Main aim is to create awareness and reach out and touch the life of just one person, make a difference for a minute, cause a phenomenon …make a link…and connect the whole universe. We find beauty. The beauty of the world is not taken for granted for us. I Wake up every morning…and get ready for the day…determined to smile for the girls and get through the day. But today I felt no matter what i do or say…i will be held captive and my pleas ignored. What do I say? Anything that i say is stupid. Why do i scream in pain ….because i am sick and i have always been sick….therefore i should stop this nonsense! I used to cry a lot but money has bought the best treatment i can get. The rTMS has helped stop my crying…..so that means i have support…then why am i never satisfied. Why should I complain when everybody around me is not complaining? I begged to be let go…be free to be whatever I am…to be free to die…to be left in the wild like a animal…..but people would take away my Girls from me….and treat them like they treat me. No choices ! Only imposition. I am prepared to rip my clothes and walk the streets barefoot…you think I NEED help in the kitchen. So…lets pretend I dont exist. Because i can’t understand where I am… Who should I be…what can i do to Claim to be human? I surely must deserve it? How can I breathe in captivity? I dont. I used to shout n scream and cut n hit and break…but the police was called on me by my bullies and it scared my daughters. So i became quiet. I know if I dont behave I won’t get money or some semblance of fatherly kindness bestowed on my daughters. ! How long can i control my emotions and hide? I can’t take it anymore… I am afraid to think…. Can you help me find me? I cannot see myself….i just can’t. I write to you I can feel you I hear you and I can relate if you say something nice I feel thankful and kind. But i dont feel it. I dont beleive you? I want to maybe!
A few months ago I came across a few photographs from 25 years ago. I remember thinking I was an ordinary looking girl …not pretty but alright. But at some point I started hating my face my body…which was fat and ugly and evil…I was not worthy of being touched. That’s what I heard and felt…just a bad person.
No matter how hard I try…i am not able to see me. And i need to find me soon…so i can survive and fight for me…