I wrote the following post 6 months ago. Publishing today.
I have lived with bpd for many years. So when i am now realizing my symptoms and recognizing my weaknesses….i feel like….i am seeing the symptoms…but Everything in the past. So….today…i sit and wonder…how have i become this person…so hopeless n damaged…. When did his happen? How have i been functioning normally…and still expected to act like you….when i am hurting so bad inside….Why didnt i pay attention…why didnt i research… What happens to all my life that got away from me….because i trusted and believed ? I have lived my whole life feeling so much pain… everytime …everyday i am treated like a outcast. What have i done to you…i am only hurt myself…cried because i MIGHT have hurt your feelings…. “How is my pain bothering you?” Then why are you bullying me? So…i created my Moon and now I sit here thinking “tomm i am going to take over the world….” So all that shit IS over and done with. I have lived all the disadvantages. Now…i wanna explore the advantages of being 200% more sensitive than the lot of you. Surely…all the pain i have endured and lived to write here..must be a reason. Coz its pain that makes me seek ways (solutions) to heal you and me… “Being gifted means you are called upon to help people find their path and bringing a little bit more light into the world. Being gifted is to have the gift to make yourself glow so you can touch others and help them to find their own glow. – Sandra Mantel
I feel i am suffocating I am making amazing progress with my seeing my symptoms of BPD …seeing the triggers…questioning my actions… But… My depression gotten outta hand last xouple of weeks… because i started connecting dots…and a picture started to emerge…i see things clearly…factually…based on facts rather than feelings. I saw i was all alone with my 2 girls…trying to keep up with the fight .. i can see how my decisions have been wrong…because my feelings overrule every sane thoughts. But i cant undo the past. As i try to exist with my two daughters…in this land…fearing for our safety, living day to day worrying about money….how will i be able to bear my medical bills and send the girls to college….what if i live beyond 2025….can i work in my present condition? Can anyone go to work given they are suffering? Nobody sees the bloodshed! I eat meds…do therapy…go for rtms…try to keep the store open n running everyday… Smile with the girls when they smile…and absorb all their growing pains… .i never wanted to be sick or in this place…i dint ask for it at a temple…i have it thats why you dont…..i worked very hard…my father worked on the construction sites as a supervisor…in order to send me some money for college in America. He always worried that i might freeze in winter…so he sent money for warm coats for me. Should i forget it happened? Maybe it dint happen…maybe i am imagining…maybe i am dreaming the pain… My education my identity my worth my tears my desires my freedom are all to be locked up n buried. Dont fuck with me…i am a wounded tiger ….by now you have figured that i have 2 teenage daughters. They are good girls and had to mature early in life….watching their mom struggle and raise them. They have only me…their rock their mom …i am very important to them. They need me to watch over them for many more years. But will i last? I am trying…but people don’t stop bullying me and my girls because we have no voice…no support…no protection…no understanding!
Yesterday morning my older daughter came home….after her horse riding lesson. I was sitting and having my coffee and cig….she came runnning and sat in my lap…hugging me tight and sobbing uncontrollably. A 17 year old …..my tough cookie was crying and shaking with fear. She got bullied by the instructor and yelled at and the whip got thrown at her horse…the horse was scared because of the instructor shouting n shouting in anger at her and was going backwards instead of listening to my daughters command. Her own father just stood there and watched and did not stand up for her. She cried for the horse and apologized to her horse and walked away from the riding school. These things happen when I don’t accompany my girls.
Fact 2: we are living in this third world country. Woman and female child are to be bullied. Yes…we have tried another instructor and riding schools but i am told its like this only in this country…. to be a typical pervert man. I am going to have my second coffee and then declare war on the world around me. I have been pushed so much…i have broken down…i have raised my voice and got called SICK…but today will be different. For 11 years i have been kept in here…my life in first world country…my home…taken away from me. My daughters have nobody but me. I will not fade… bpd person in captivity.
Why do i feel like i am caged…stuck…suffocating…cant breathe…am anxious everytime my girls step out alone in this country…i am scared….i dont think i will last like this… I am beyond my breaking point… I keep returning for my girls
Today…i have made a decision to close my little flower shop. I have chosen me and my girls. I must become a mother first! And find me. I cannot function like a normal person …whatever that means.
“Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated interpersonal trauma, where the victim is traumatized in captivity, and where there is no perceived way to escape.”
You can never be happy..i was told !
You complain too much… Nothing can make you happy You can never be happy The mosquitos dont bite
Be thankful you are not on the streets You would never be able to get a job. Nobody wants to deal with a sick crazy woman…thats why the cops were called on you… You are sick woman….you belong in a hospital…. You have everything….still you are unhappy…. You cant get everything… You cant eat food when you are hungry…you have to wait till men have eaten…. this is life!
She should be ignored…her daughters are also bad children…..they dont deserve a bday gift… A meeting of majority….A sentence was passed. Without telling us…without a chance to speak… 11 years. But i donno what my crime is? I would have never agreed to make such a deal….give up my happiness because i didn’t deserve it. Who made that choice? i did…i chose! I made a choice With my sickness With a belief With trust With love With my blood…. With the life of 2 children Loosing my sanity…. I dont have memories….