I was quiet, I was not blind!


A relative is visiting me today after lunch. He is my big cousin brother. He has seen me since I was born. He attended my parents wedding. I attended his wedding and loved his daughter like mine. He and his daughter have seen my posts and are anxious to know if I am well. They are confused about my marriage and divorce rumours within the family…etc etc. I think I was liked by most relatives. And hated by a few…for my outspokenness and being wild. Divorce has been officially filed 2 yrs ago, but has not been granted due to various impromptu excuses from him. So….logically I am not divorced. Then why talk about it…why does anybody need to know? Do others tell me their stories? No….cause I AM not in touch with anybody. Then what should I do… At 51 I feel like my identity is not there. I responsibly raise my girls as best as I can…even when I do t want to. Yes…I told myself long time ago that i dont have choice, I will never leave my daughters…not even to die. I am gonna live till 80yrs and watch them grow…  Divorce… I cannot use that word. We …me and my daughters have been abused and kept as obedient servants with a salary…. Do you know how much we hurt and cry and scream but ain’t nobody to listen. Everyone wants to tell me what to do…how I will be impacting my children…specially girls…you need a man to stand by you …your girls need to be protected… What about me Daddy….what about me …baby…a living person! I won’t back down… I ain’t the problem…I am the answer! I have decided to discontinue my rTMS therapy. Electromagnetic stimulus to left n right cortex to help with depression and anxiety respectively. Many reasons….but I am not the reason for my sickness or whatever the THING I have. I am not the cause. How can I be the cause. The problem is not me. It’s my situation. All along I thought I had BPD. Let’s presume I do. What caused it? Gaslighting was not listed in the options, neither was narcissim or Mental abuse or inhuman treatment… So…if I didn’t wanna live …then my want matters? My reasons have always been transparent… I didn’t wanna come back here…because A. I was settled in Usa F1. Heat!!! Always hot n that bothered me. C. I had a job as realtor and I drove my own car. F. I was independent I think. B. Mosquitos scare me because they bite me so much. I have to wear mosquito odomos cream day and night. I have a cream tube everywhere, in the car, home and in my bag. When I get bit it hurts for 3 days and I feel like dying of pain. I get very irritable and angry and then start crying coz it won’t let me sleep. 11 years with mosquitos now. Y. My dad and mom and ME worked very hard to get me through masters degree in USA. My dad stood on construction sites in 40 degrew heat at the age of 75 to work as a supervisor despite being such a reknown architect. He gave his entire retirement money for my education. I worked many jobs during my masters degree. I was always working or in the classroom. C. My girls were happy in USA X. I did not feel my girls will be safe in India. Y. I did not like the noise and th3 crowds and always felt threatened. Z. I was manipulated…told a lie…tricked into coming back to India. Ps: i lost all control of my life! And 11 years later…here I am. Making a mockery of my life…why? He lost his shit again… Is there anybody else out there in the fog??? Talk to me…i can find you if you keep talking to me….just shout if you don’t have words…


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