people “You look just like your mom”
Me: naah….I look like my Dad. (what I am feeling inside is: I don’t want to look like my mom, I want to look like Dad) But, I worried about this for many decades…. Last month, I made a trip…just to see her. Not to go to to daddy and then stop on the way… I surprised her…woke her from her sleep… I went because I wanted to give her some love…. after years of fighting with her…NOT SEEING HER, or understanding? I don’t know…. But I watched her closely this time….I made sure I listened, I hugged her tighter, I overlooked the minor things that used to bug the hell out of me…I cried when I left her…and she didn’t understand why I was crying. I could not tell her that I can see her, I can see how she has been SO STRONG….I couldn’t say anything to her….I couldn’t even say “I am sorry mumma” …..its very hard to explain…and maybe I can one day…..
My choices are not made by googling…its made using my feelings… For informed choices there is google..but for me today…..i prefer to ask my plants or my dog or my kids. When you have to make a choice or choose a dish from the menu…you will ask the friend with you…when at a restaurant..? I remember looking at the menu, watching others choose and DECIDE…and is like…i dont FEEL like eating or why dont you surprise me…or pick a dish for me because I cant decide or its NOT ON THE FKG MENU…. And the food arrives…and that’s the painful part. I will be so distracted by the sounds and people and noise…or a mosquito…until i kill it….that i wont ENJOY my food. Plus i am not feeling hungry… how can i eat if i don’t FEEL hungry But i still feel you I still feel the pain…a lot of pain… I feel the wind and i can feel the rain…before it starts raining I can feel my daughters….they come back from school…and i KNOW how their day went…. I can feel myself growing anxious and unable to breathe when i see my daughter falling off the horse. I walk away…i start crying coz she is hurting…although she is FINE. I feel the pain of the employee whom i have to fire for stealing…i worry if i have hurt their feelings and give them extra money. They are not asking for money ….but i MUST make me FEEL better…so i give! This is so fkd up…its not funny anymore. I am not smiling…i like to smile…i feel i am getting sicker. All this was supposed to heal me…not make me FEEL like dying. If you loose your feeling….you are dead. Do you understand what i am saying…..the words…?