Can I be me?

Can I be me? I donno who I am is what I believed. But I think I knew all along that i was different. I didn’t fit any probability theorem.

 

I felt everyone and was kind and made a Lotta noise. But i am finding me through you.. Through writing. I set out to write so I could help one person…ease their pain…be perhaps helpful in changing the course of their lives. Here’s what hit me yesterday…I am the person I was looking for!

 

I am the one who got help the most. I saw that. I feel it. Do you feel it? All of us trying to abolish pain n suffering in pain. No animals are being harmed here. There is only unconditional and selfless love amongst all of us BPD and D’s. Why do we feel like eradicating pain…finding solutions daily and hoping something might help. Because you don’t leave an injured soilder behind now…do you?

How can I feel something I don’t understand? Or I understand you through feeling you. I see what you don’t see….I see that we the mentally denounced are the reality and truth that intelligent exceptional sensitive funny creative souls roam this universe. Why would you call me a stigma? Point being….it’s all good. I wouldn’t be here if i didn’t wanna be here. And i can move somewhere if i want….i am not a refrigerator plugged to the wall.. Am I?

When I was pregnant with my older child…the lamaze instructor explained what a parent is…example…if you are having a migraine and your waddling monkey child trips n falls…what do you do? You I’mmediately swing your feet down from whichever horizontal surface you might be on…and run towards the child and tend to her wound, mumma got you babe…I tell her and then i kiss the boo boo and put a dora band aid on it. All of the above must have transpired for 2 to 5 minutes …You reckon? Where was the migraine fucking pain? Exactly there….where you told it to fuck off because my little girl needed her mommy.

It makes me cry…because I stopped kissing booboos and stopping cooking or playing with them…going to a park and gathering fall leaves and jumping in them. I lost my mind. I just couldn’t make myself move. But…I am like their shadow…I follow them to the mall despite noise n people… for a riding training for 10 days…40 Deg with high humidity..heat a potent trigger for me.

how do I do it? I would do anything for my kids. they are the only real part of my life.

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