….so this is a tough one. I have returned to my home in a first world country after 11 years and the entire journey and last 3 days here have been very painful.
I have to disassociate and keep a facade so I don’t crumble infront of my daughter. I was not expecting my depression to hit rock bottom…I did fear it will make me cry, but this jab of sharp pain driving through my soul…reminding me what I lost, why I lost… No answers come…only tears I would like to tell my story I think. Because that’s all I have, a little bit of reality…that maybe I existed or maybe this is just a story in which I don’t give up and die. You all have given me strength and I need just that…a little bit. I think I will be fine. Thank you for reading me. I am alive and awake and smiling but mostly crying with gratitude. I left India with a mission in mind. To drop my daughter to college. But when I arrived here, ì donno what happened. I had anticipated some crying…but I watched myself disassociate as familiar things caught my eye…small things… Unknown to me…the universe was looking out for me. A kind family watched over us and gave me time to get stable. My faith in humanity restored. Today…I can write. It’s the blur of tears that stops me everytime… I thought I didn’t belong here, I thought I can’t drive a car, I thought I will be a wreck….but I knew I would be fine. Nothing nothing nothing can stop me. Not now, I have come this far and I will not be scared. To trust is hard when you are scared. Even the moon in the sky looked strange…I just wanted to go back home! I thank you foe your kind thoughts and the power to heal each other. Only kindness for others at the bottom of everything ….and this fire within that refuses to die, no matter what. So…doesn’t that make us special in a nice kind way. Then….