Returning to my present

I can be seen….sitting and waking and smiling…no vlood dripping from anywhere…no injuries…no scars….I LOOK FINE. But i am not dine. I am ill. I need rest and love and hugs and warm soup. But how can i PROVE i am SICK…when i don’t look it. Haha

For 48 years i got by…..Imitating the world. I mean….look around….everybody has a NORMAL life… so DID I. I went to school, wasn’t good at math….or physics…BUT I PASSED. Then worked. Not feeling ready for marriage…I luckily escaped. The pressure to marry did not come from my family….yet THE ENVIRONMENT around recommended getting married.

The only medical condition I had at the time was depression….which I was diagnosed for in my first year of masters studies. It was THE FIRST TIME that I met a phychiatrist and started receiving treated for depression…one tablet a day. And counselling. My therapist Sharon…I will never forget her kindness towards me. I had NEVER spoken to anyone about how hopeless and tired I feel…I would miss home and get very worried that I might never see my family again. .IF I had BPD, how could I get my masters degree. I mean…I must have gone to class and found my own ways to cope…but I got a masters degree. I have a photograph…so it did happen!!

I got married, studied some more, worked, then bred 2 girls. About this time, I was diagnosed with Post partem depression PPD. My daughter’s paediatrician spotted me crying uncontrollably, when my daughter was getting her vaccination as a baby. I was not able the bear the PAIN that the injection was causing her….YES…ITS A BPD SYMPTOM…..ANywayz…the point I am making here is…PPD is very real and quite common. Ofcourse I didn’t know about it. When you are to have a baby…does anyone say that please watch out for the new mom, look for PPD symptoms, why is she crying so much and has no control. Since I have come to India…I have come across many women, who COULD have PPD and BPD. For some strange reason…being aware of my symptoms has given me something….I Donno…but I can SEE and UNDERSTAND the BPD in people I come in contact with.

Anyways….I wanna finish this story…and come to the START of my BPD…

Its important for me.

After 5 years of breeding two girls….I then went to school to become a realtor. And started working part time.. I was HAPPY…it seemed that I had found the perfect profession for me…part time…selling homes…design architecture….I felt I could make money.

But something pushed me n broke me down ….i hid from the world. I did not wanna be seen….

I moved to my home country in 2007…and last 11 years SOMETHING in the air MADE me sick, and sicker and sicker and last year I was begging to be put in the hospital under lock. It rendered me quite helpless.

I stopped cooking ….for my daughters….

I lost taste of food…

I refused to watch tv or go to movies…step out of my balcony. By the way…its my Moon…my safe space. My daughters have accepted me….tolerated me, made fun of me…and most of the time we just laugh a lot over my silliness. They have kept a close eye on me.

And only NOW….LAST FEW DAYS am i seeing WHAT i have become. Because i was never like this ever before in my life….was I?

What happened to me..the girl with the red motorcycle…

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